Embedded Files
Short Play
Short Play
CHARACTERS
1. ANDREA BAGSHOT – Female, middle-aged - The local registrar of births, deaths and marriages.
2. MILLIE PORRIDGE – Female, early-twenties - A posh but naive young mum.
SCENE 1
ANDREA IS SITTING AT HER OFFICE DESK, DOING PAPERWORK.
THERE IS AN EMPTY CHAIR FOR CLIENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK.
MILLIE ENTERS.
ANDREA STANDS UP TO GREET HER.
ANDREA:
Mrs. Porridge! Nice to meet you. I'm Andrea Bagshot, the County Registrar.
THEY SHAKE HANDS.
MILLIE:
Hello. Please, call me Millie, I'm not very keen on Porridge.
ANDREA:
Of course. Take a seat, Millie.
THEY SIT DOWN.
MILLIE:
It's an awful name, but what can I do? I married a Porridge!
ANDREA:
Yes it's not fair is it, the wife always taking the husband's name.
MILLIE:
I know! I thought Thomas ought to take my name, but he was very traditional about it.
Said he didn't fancy being a Thomas Tittybum.
ANDREA:
Tittybum?
MILLIE:
Tittybum. That was my maiden name.
ANDREA:
Right... Well, you know, Porridge isn't so bad, is it.
Anyway, I believe you're here to register the birth of your daughter. Congratulations!
MILLIE:
Thank you!
ANDREA:
And you're just inside the six week deadline.
MILLIE:
Ah, yes, sorry, cutting it fine, I know.
But there are so many adorable girls' names out there now, it was really difficult.
ANDREA:
So, after the careful deliberation, what are you calling her?
MILLIE:
Gonorrhoea.
ANDREA:
(CHUCKLES) No, seriously.
MILLIE:
I think it sounds so pretty.
ANDREA:
Millie-
MILLIE:
I know Gonorrhoea's not all that common, but I think it's going to spread.
ANDREA:
(PAUSE) You could well be right.
MILLIE:
So you like it then?
ANDREA:
Er, well, it's not my place to comment on the names people choose for their children.
In fact, many's the time I've buttoned my lip as another poor mite becomes an Apple, or a Tiger, or a Chardonnay.
But, in your case, I'm going to make an exception, because if I heard you correctly, you're seriously going to call your baby girl...
Gonorrhoea. Porridge.
MILLIE:
That's right.
ANDREA:
Millie, do you know what Gonorrhoea is?
MILLIE:
Of course I do... She's a girl!
ANDREA:
No.
MILLIE:
Yes she is... I've checked!
ANDREA:
Yes, but the word 'Gonorrhoea', it means something.
MILLIE:
Oh, you mean like, 'noble one'?
ANDREA:
Not exactly. Gonorrhoea is a name, but it's not the name of a person, it's the name of a disease.
A sexually-transmitted disease. Like Syphilis.
MILLIE:
(PLAYING WITH THE SOUND OF IT)
Syphilis... Syphie... Syphilla.
ANDREA:
For God's sake, that's not a name either! They're diseases, nasty diseases!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I beg you Millie:
Please do not call your daughter Gonorrhoea or Syphilis!
MILLIE:
But I've just had a plaque commissioned. (SHE PRONOUNCES IT 'PLARK')
ANDREA:
A plaque? (ADOPTING 'PLARK' TOO)
MILLIE:
A plaque... For the front of the house.
ANDREA:
What does it say?
MILLIE:
'Thomas, Millie and Gonorrhoea'.
ANDREA:
You see, that doesn't sound like a family...
It sounds like a Channel 4 documentary.
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) Oh... Well, if you're sure it's a no-no, I suppose we could get the plaque changed to our second choice.
ANDREA:
I think that would be a fantastic idea. What was it?
MILLIE:
Minge.
ANDREA:
(INCREDULOUS) Minge?!
MILLIE:
(LOSING PATIENCE) Oh great, you're going to tell me that means something as well, are you?
ANDREA:
It's slang! Filthy slang.
MILLIE:
What for?
ANDREA:
What for? Millie, you're a grown woman, how can you not know this?
MILLIE:
Well I don't!
ANDREA:
Surely you must have heard of it at school?
MILLIE:
Not at St. Mary's Convent, no.
ANDREA:
Oh, right. You've had a sheltered upbringing.
MILLIE:
I don't think so. It was a good boarding school, very thorough...
But I was off with appendicitis for a month when I was fifteen, maybe that was it?
Perhaps my friends were all delving into minge while I was away.
ANDREA:
(PAUSE) Quite possibly.
MILLIE:
So what is it?
ANDREA:
Er, well, it's a bit embarrassing. It's, er... Put it this way...
It's where your baby came from.
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) Is there a minge in Berkshire?
ANDREA:
(PAUSE) Probably quite a few.
MILLIE:
Look, so what? At least it goes with the surname.
ANDREA:
(TRYING IT OUT) Minge. Porridge.
MILLIE:
Sounds good doesn't it?
ANDREA:
Well... I wouldn't order it for breakfast.
MILLIE:
(GETTING CROSS AGAIN) You are so missing the point! Names are just labels!
The important thing... is that I love my little Minge more than anything else in the world!
ANDREA:
Good for you...
But you've got to be practical about this.
Your child will go to school where I guarantee you, she will be tortured!
For Heaven's sake, you grew up as Millie Tittybum!
Weren't you teased by the other girls?
MILLIE:
Not really, no.
Although, now I think about it, we were all rather beastly to Sophie Bendover-Suckwood.
ANDREA:
Well trust me, Minge Porridge will be the Sophie Bendover-Suckwood of her class.
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) Oh... So you think we ought to go with our third choice then?
ANDREA:
Well I don't know. After Gonorrhoea and Minge I'm beginning to dread it. What was it?
Pustule? Cleavage? Detritus? Chuff? (SILENCE)
Orifice? Fester? Malaria? Phlegm? (SILENCE)
I know... Anus Porridge!
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) Actually, it was Gillian.
ANDREA:
(AMAZED) Gillian?
MILLIE:
Gillian.
ANDREA:
But that's perfect! Oh Millie, that's wonderful!
MILLIE:
Well, Gillian would be her full name... but we'd call her Jizz for short.
ANDREA:
Jizz?!... No, no, no, no. No. No. No!
(THERE'S A NOD TO QUEEN'S 'BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY' IN THE WORDS AND RHYTHM HERE.)
MILLIE:
Oh mamma mia!... What is your problem?!
Why is this so personal for you?
ANDREA:
(LOUD) Because my real name isn't Andrea!
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) What is it then?
ANDREA:
(PAUSE) Andromeda.
MILLIE TRIES TO SUPPRESS A GIGGLE BUT FAILS.
ANDREA:
Exactly! Ha ha.
MILLIE:
Sorry.
ANDREA:
(PAUSE) You know what they used to call me when I was late starting puberty?...
Andromeda the Androgynous Android...
Well, the smart kids from the top English set did. The thick ones used to just call me Weird Bitch...
My 'label' made my school days a total misery!
And yet Andromeda was just a character from Greek Mythology that my stupid parents were into!
Imagine if it had been a bodily fluid or a sex organ or a disease of the bloody genitals!
MILLIE SLOWLY GETS TO HER FEET.
MILLIE:
(PAUSE) (SLOW AND SERIOUS) My daughter's name, is Gillian...
And for short, we'll be calling her... (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Gill.
ANDREA SIGHS WITH RELIEF.
MILLIE:
(MOVED) I'm really glad you challenged me. Thank you so much... Andrea.
ANDREA STANDS UP, AND PUTS HER HAND OUT TO SHAKE.
BUT MILLIE MOVES ROUND THE DESK TO HUG ANDREA.
ANDREA IS SURPRISED BUT ACCEPTS THE HUG.
ANDREA:
Oh! Just part of the service.
MILLIE:
Are we nearly done? I ought to get back soon.
ANDREA:
Back to baby Gillian!
MILLIE:
Yes... And her brother, Boner.
ANDREA:
(LOUD) Boner??!
CURTAIN
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